Garden Systems and I exchanged emails two months ago after
they read my review of Apple’s iSkin. GS offered me a review model of their
line of biological suits, and after the fun I had in my iSkin, I couldn’t turn
another down.
When the
Snakeskin arrived three days ago, the box smelled of yeast and was plastered
with green Garden Systems logos. A booklet affixed to the top of the cardboard
read “READ FIRST.” Inside it, I was informed that I would not be able to wear
the suit for 48 hours, and must first allow it to fully mature. Like the iSkin,
this involved a skin and blood sample for the suit, though I didn’t understand
the long wait. It promised a few more things that Apple’s second skin had,
including expanded sensory suites, reduced chance of toxic buildup in the
blood, and a recycling system that sounded like a turbo-charged compost bin.
I opened
the package, shared DNA with the shriveled lump inside, and arranged the
chrysalis with the nutrient bladders inside the box. I’ll admit it was fun.
Something like the joy you got as a kid from gimmicky chemistry sets that make
silvery goo. No extraneously challenging tasks, and an exhaustive guide made
the setup a breeze. Its lack of integrated networking hardware meant all the
syncing problems I’d had with the iSkin were non-issues. This probably should
have been a red flag.
While I
waited in anticipation, I drew a picture of how I imagined I might look in the
suit.
The thing
cautioned that anything more than the included undergarments would interfere with
the bonding process. I’ll spare you the photo my boyfriend took of that though.
It’s not flattering. Garden Systems could have mimicked any number of styles,
but they opted for speedos.
The bonding
process was admittedly easier than the iSkin. It smelled like wet dirt, which
has always been a calming odor for me. Unfortunately that’s where the pros end.
When Garden Systems said that the
Snakeskin would be revolutionary, they were really saying “everything’s
new and we had to invent it all ourselves to avoid Apple’s patents.”
First, the
suit is snug, as all of their kind are expected to be. But being particularly
organic, the thing also has an independent heart rate. Its pulse is apparently
supposed to sync rates with the user’s but I guess that feature hasn’t been
fine tuned. Others may not have as much of an issue with this, but I couldn’t
stand it. Like when someone bounces their leg quickly on the other side of the
couch during a movie, it gave me incredible anxiety.
The
expanded sensory suite was a treat, and I could locate neighbors in my
apartment tower through the walls. It gave me an awful headache though, and
really didn’t improve much on the iSkin’s helmet display. I felt dirty using it
and quickly switched it off.
The
recycling system was fun, and I spent a few hours finding things in my fridge
to feed it, but not long after the fish went in I realized my mistake. Like
compost bins, it wasn’t equipped to handle meats. The smell stayed with it til
the end of the week long trial period. It intensified near the end, but that
was probably a quirk of the suit digesting itself.
While
inside it, the fingertips are quite sensitive and completely capable of
operating touch screens, but they pick up on the electrical activity in them
and the feedback is much like feeling a leg go to sleep. Not fun coupled with
its lack of networking. Instead of executing a search quickly, as I did with
the iSkin (thanks Siri), I had to run into the other room and ask my boyfriend
to do it.
The rotting
lump is stinking up the apartment now becoming the most expensive lump of
compost I’ve ever wrinkled my nose at. Better to go with Apple’s sleeker iSkin.
